How and When to Tell Your Partner You're Abstinent
Dating While Abstaining: How and When to Tell Your Partner
Source: Prostock-Studio / Getty
As someone who’s been practicing abstinence as a single Christian for over a decade, I often get asked, “When should I tell the person I’m dating that I’m abstaining?” It’s a question a lot of Christians wrestle with. On one hand, you want to be upfront about your values and honor your faith. On the other hand, there’s the real fear of rejection, especially in a dating world that often values instant gratification over deep, intentional commitment.
RELATED:Â Is Celibacy Good for Your Mental Health?
How to Tell Your Partner You’re Abstinent
Let’s start with the basics. The Bible makes it clear that God created sex within the context of marriage, not just for having children but also to reflect the unity and love He designed for a husband and wife. In Paul’s letters to the churches in Corinth, Ephesus, and Rome, he warns against sexual immorality, and that’s just as relevant for us today. As believers, we’re called to honor God in all areas of our lives, including our relationships.
Even with this understanding, though, practicing abstinence is no easy feat. Humans are wired for connection, intimacy, and affection, things God gave us as part of His design. But those desires can be hard to navigate in a world that often pushes against His standards. That’s why the question of when to bring up abstinence feels so heavy.
The Fear of Rejection
Rejection is harsh for anyone, but it feels incredibly personal when you’re dating. In a culture where people swipe based on looks, the pressure to be someone you’re not can be overwhelming. For those of us choosing abstinence, rejection can feel like a judgment on our whole identity. I’ve been there. After years of practicing abstinence, there were times I hesitated to share my decision with someone I was interested in. I worried they’d ghost me without giving me a chance, and in many instances, they did. Sometimes, I stayed quiet for a while, hoping to build a connection before mentioning it. Other times, I told them upfront, only to face rejection because of my faith.
But here’s what I’ve learned: avoiding the conversation doesn’t keep you from rejection; it just delays it. If someone isn’t on the same page with your values, you’ll find out sooner or later, and it’s better to know early than after you’ve invested time and emotions.
RELATED:Â Breaking the Silence: A Deep Dive into Sexless Marriages With An Intimacy Expert
Dating with Confidence
So, when should you tell someone you’re abstaining? There’s no one-size-fits-all answer, but here are a few things to think about. First, ask yourself why you might hesitate. Are you afraid of how they’ll react?
It’s natural to fear rejection, but we’re called to walk in truth as believers. It’s important to be honest in dating and trust that God’s plan for you is good, even if that means facing some tough conversations or rejection. Being rejected doesn’t mean you are a reject or undesirable.
Second, consider the situation. If you’re dating someone who values faith, the conversation might arise naturally as you discuss your values. But if you’re unsure where they stand spiritually, it could be worth bringing it up early to see how they respond.
Finally, the timing is up to you. Some people feel comfortable talking about it on the first date, while others might prefer to wait until a deeper trust has been built. Either way, there’s no wrong way to go about it if the conversation is genuine.
Being Equally Yoked
This conversation can feel tricky because many of us end up dating people who don’t share our faith. Being in a relationship with someone equally yoked and who shares your commitment to following Christ can make these discussions much more manageable. When you’re both on the same page spiritually, talking about things like abstinence, salvation, or even shared hobbies comes more naturally.
Final Thoughts
When it comes down to it, the question of when to tell someone you’re abstaining is really about what feels right for you. If I could offer advice from my own experience, whether I’ve shared upfront or held back out of fear, I would say let the conversation arise naturally while staying true to your values. If someone values you and shares your faith, they’ll respect your decision. And if they don’t, that’s a sign that God has something better in store.
Dating as an abstaining Christian means having confidence in who you are and trusting in God’s plan. Rejection doesn’t define you; it’s a reminder that the right person will love you for who you are and honor your faith. So trust that, in the end, God will bring the right person into your life at the right time.
Sade Solomon is a NYC-based social media personality and multi-hyphenate creator who boldly and fashionably ignites authentic and candid conversations on topics surrounding intercourse, singleness, and abstinence. After embarking on her journey of abstinence in 2013, Sade began openly sharing her life-changing commitment on various online platforms while enlightening and inspiring many through her journey. In her book, Ready, Set, Wait, Sade peels back the layers of truth about navigating singleness and abstinence as a single Christian woman. Her work and commentary have been featured by Good Morning America, Harper’s Bazaar, Essence, Black Love, and XO Necole.
MORE FROM SADE SOLOMON:Â
How To Tackle Finances In New Relationships
Scriptures For Drawing Strength From God’s Word In Your Single Season
Dating While Abstaining: How and When to Tell Your Partner was originally published on elev8.com
